you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
