I'm so fucking centered right now
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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