and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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