Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
