I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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