I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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