I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
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So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..