The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?