If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
