you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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