i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.