I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
