dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
