I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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