If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
