my phone needs a breathalizer
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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