Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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