Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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