You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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