my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
