Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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