I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
