my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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