Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
