billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
