Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
