I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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