You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
