i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
