On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
