i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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