Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
