I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
