Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You may now shotgun with the bride
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I wear drunk well.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
