Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
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it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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