I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
