That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
