a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
