i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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