Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
