remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
