Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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