All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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