We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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