we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
