She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
