I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
