my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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