toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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