I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
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I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize