dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
