i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my shit smells like andre
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
