so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
that may or may not have been my penis.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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