I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
