So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
