It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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