I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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