Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Farmville is her only friend.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
