so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
