new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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