He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
